Letting yourself down

I was suppose to be singing tonight.

What I realised is that I am not over my fear yet.  I went out for drinks with friends for my birthday prior to heading to sing with a new friend.  My friends tried to get me to sing prior to going to sing.  That's when I froze, that's when the fear really sunk in.  On the 15 minute ride home the tiny speck of fear warped into a full on terror.

How could I possibly sing now?!  I probably could have overcome this if it wasn't for the fact that I had to drive my manual car, in the dark, to my friends house!!!  Nope, sorry that is in the too hard basket.  For those of you that don't know I am not good at driving a manual car.  I bought it because I have a goal to be able to drive one.  Needless to say I am getting much better but it is still a stressful proposition.

So I let myself down.  But that is how life works.  I have to write these last two sentences because this is a new realisation for me.

My life is so interesting now because I am a pushover at work.  Or that is how people see me.  This is soo against the way I see myself and the way that I have been in the past but I think with all this personal growth I have tired of fighting.  I have grown weary of having to punch through everything.  I don't want to spend my precious energy fighting anymore.  It's hard not to feel disappointed in myself, but at the same time I don't want to fight for things that don't matter anymore.

A new theme

Once again I am back on a mission.  This time it is to discover and rediscover things I like to do.  The problem with meeting all of my big goals in life so far is that I need to create new goals.

I have always had a giant list of items I have wanted to do and am working towards and suddenly I have found myself at a loss.  I had accomplished the big things I had on my list.  I was in a new country, with a job and a "new" life but I was missing the goals to push towards.

This being the case I have decided to jump into things I have always wanted to get better at but never took the time to do.  One of these is writing...hence posting again.  Now is when this blog is going to get interesting.  At this stage my only goal is to write most days (not all of it needs to be on the blog).  The content does not matter, nor does the spelling or grammer.  As this is the goal I have a feeling that you will get a preview into what occurs in my brian.  Which is not organised nor linear.

The mini-goal is to post at least once a week (my goal is to write at least a sentence a day outside of work).

This should be fun.

Other crafts/skills I have started to dust off or begin are singing, pottery and playing the saxophone.  I feel this creative force that has been laying dormant starting to wake.  Like an old lumbering dog it slowing stands and stretches.  I can't wait until it starts to bounce around and wag it's tail.

With singing I've realised that I have so much potential I wasn't aware of.  Not necessarily my skill at singing but just that I can sing.  It made me realise that there are so many things out there that I have placed a self imposed barrier on.

I'm on the search for my next big and small goals.  It's really interesting because I'm really trying to identify the person I want to be now instead of looking at external goals.  Internal goals are much more touchy and hard to identify.  It's easy to point and say your goal is to be a nicer person....but what does that mean?  Is it to never say a mean thing?  Is it something more attainable like saying Good Morning to every coworker at the beginning of the day?  Is it not kicking puppies? (Note: I don't actually kick puppies).  So how will I accomplish these impossible tasks?  I don't know how about you come back and see.

A (almost) daily item to be grateful for

10/05/12	I'm grateful for my own room!
11/05/12	I'm grateful for meeting new friends.
12/05/12	I'm grateful for books
13/05/12	I'm grateful for non-family family
14/05/12	I'm grateful for sunny days lounging on the sofa
15/05/12	I'm grateful for other people cooking dinner
16/05/12	I'm grateful for cuddles
17/05/12	I'm grateful for 0.7 mm...and no surgery
18/05/12	I'm grateful for friends who review CV's
19/05/12	I'm grateful for live rugby games
20/05/12	I'm grateful for bike polo
21/05/12	I'm grateful for calls back from recruitment agencies
22/05/12	I'm grateful for cats stealing socks and thinking they're sneaky
23/05/12	I'm grateful for free knitting needles
24/05/12	I'm grateful for kindle smartphone app
25/05/12	I'm grateful for cutting my own food
26/05/12	I'm grateful for indian grocery stores
27/05/12	I'm grateful for meeting people that remind you of your worth
28/05/12	I'm grateful for taking first steps
29/05/12	I'm grateful for making new friends
30/05/12	I'm grateful for warm blankets
31/05/12	I'm grateful for the first shower after getting my cast off
01/06/12	I'm grateful for getting rides home
02/06/12	I'm grateful for making new bike friends
03/06/12	I'm grateful for talking bikes for hours
04/06/12	I'm grateful for friends smiling at me
05/06/12	I'm grateful for physio's
06/06/12	I'm grateful for wood fires
07/06/12	I'm grateful for getting asked to interview for a job
08/06/12	I'm grateful for fireworks
09/06/12	I'm grateful for film festivals
10/06/12	I'm grateful for knitting
11/06/12	I'm grateful for soups in winter
12/06/12	I'm grateful for being in NZ
13/06/12	I'm grateful for being okayed to bike again
14/06/12	I'm grateful for having more than one interview lined up
15/06/12	I'm grateful for dinner w the ladies
16/06/12	I'm grateful for not falling on my arm when I fell
17/06/12	I'm grateful for finishing a knitting project
18/06/12	I'm grateful for my dad
19/06/12	I'm grateful for chocolate
20/06/12	I'm grateful for meals w friends
21/06/12	I'm grateful for new opportunities
22/06/12	I'm grateful for interesting companies
23/06/12	I'm grateful for audiobooks
24/06/12	I'm grateful for continuing new routines
25/06/12	I'm grateful for coffee with friends
26/06/12	I'm grateful for hope
27/06/12	I'm grateful for playing with a cat
28/06/12	I'm grateful for talking to old friends
29/06/12	I'm grateful for sunny days
30/06/12	I'm grateful for naps
01/07/12	I'm grateful for ear muffs
02/07/12	I'm grateful for having two job offers
03/07/12	I'm grateful for signing an employment contract
04/07/12	I'm grateful for fourth of july celebration
05/07/12	I'm grateful for catching up with old friends
06/07/12	I'm grateful for buying new shoes
07/07/12	I'm grateful for bars w good beer
08/07/12	I'm grateful for lazy days watching movies
09/07/12	I'm grateful for mini golf
10/07/12	I'm grateful for coming back to my own bed
11/07/12	I'm grateful for new jobs
12/07/12	I'm grateful for drinks w new friends
13/07/12	I'm grateful for drinking a beer at lunch at work
14/07/12	I'm grateful for bar platters
15/07/12	I'm grateful for my own polo bike
16/07/12	I'm grateful for workshops going smoothly
17/07/12	I'm grateful for getting a work phone
18/07/12	I'm grateful for walks around the block
19/07/12	I'm grateful for using my brain
20/07/12	I'm grateful for knackering myself out via bike polo
21/07/12	I'm grateful for unexpected kisses
22/07/12	I'm grateful for baking cookies
23/07/12	I'm grateful for buying a book
24/07/12	I'm grateful for dogs coming to the office
25/07/12	I'm grateful for dirt cake
26/07/12	I'm grateful for running partners
27/07/12	I'm grateful for having something click
28/07/12	I'm grateful for red wine w a girlfriend
29/07/12	I'm grateful for chatting about blueberry picking
30/07/12	I'm grateful for coffee
31/07/12	I'm grateful for pushing into a headwind
01/08/12	I'm grateful for temps
02/08/12	I'm grateful for winning poker
03/08/12	I'm grateful for platters of food
04/08/12	I'm grateful for fat kid days
05/08/12	I'm grateful for cooking all day
06/08/12	I'm grateful for slowly getting up to speed
07/08/12	I'm grateful for smiles
08/08/12	I'm grateful for personal development
09/08/12	I'm grateful for live music
10/08/12	I'm grateful for being comfortable at someones home
11/08/12	I'm grateful for beautiful eyes
12/08/12	I'm grateful for staying up late with friends
13/08/12	I'm grateful for friends reaching milestones in being cancer free
14/08/12	I'm grateful for exciting new job opportunities
15/08/12	I'm grateful for peppermint slices
16/08/12	I'm grateful for getting stuff done 21/9 weekends w the ladies 22/9 walks in the sun 23/9 pictures at the hot pools 24/9 denial 25/9 surprise interviews 26/9 pub quiz 27/9 new job offers 28/9 quitting jobs 29/9 reading while petting the cat 30/9 feeling free 1/10 not having to go to work 2/10 relaxation 3/10 cooking 4/10 getting defense in polo 5/10 mtbing 6/10 girls lunch 7/10 laying in the sun 8/10 new jobs 9/10 going to the movies 10/10 a man i cant keep my hands off 11/10 green on green on green bikes 12/10 spring weather 13/10 baking on a rainy day 14/10 sunday polo 15/10 biking to work 16/10 movie nights in 17/10 ladies dinners 18/10 new bars 19/10 seeing the stars at lake tekapo 20/12 lazy mornings 19/12 bike pub crawl 18/12 not getting rained on while biking to work 17/12  16/12 picnic in the garden 15/12 first ride on new bike 14/12 pizza and polo 13/12 12/12 21/12 the world not ending 22/12 straight guy friends in dresses 23/12 rediscovering old bikes (mabel) 24/12 talking w family 25/12 gingerdead men 26/12 nice hotela that let u camp for free 27/12 friends getting attacked by eels (w no injuries) 28/12 waking up near a river in a beautiful place 29/12 dresses 30/12 geeky conversations 31/12 standing in line for ice cream at new years 01/01/13 mason lodges as homes 02/01 custard squares 03/01 mayfield thrift shop 04/01 getting home 05/01 having feelings 06/01 libraries 07/01 music in parks 08/01 speaking to brothers 09/01 cooking naan bread 10/01 midweek polo 11/01 sunny lunches 12/01 baking sprees 13/01 watching bike races 14/01 vege sloppy joes 15/01 16/01 17/01 germans arriving 18/01 busker fest 19/01 sleeping in shade w the cat 20/01 shopping 21/01 seeing friends 22/01  23/01 music at lunch 24/01 knitting stripes 25/01getting drunken at a new pub 26/01shooting clay pigeons 27/01saving goals 28/01 dinner w good conversations 29/01 one step forward 30/01 31/01 01/02 - wearing purple pants to work 02/02 - crafting outside on a beautiful day 03/02 - driving a manual and not crashing 04/02 - nice warm rain to bike home in 05/02 days prior to holidays 06/02 deconstruting clothes 07/02 almost being done with a project you dont like 08/02 my coworkers 09/02 picnics in the sun 10/02 seeing new travellers and the excitement they have 11/02  12/02 13/02 14/02  15/02 giant mallet handles 16/02 andrew keegan concert 17/02 finding an asian vegetable i didnt know the name of prior 18/02 going caving w coworkers 19/02 riding a bike i havent in a while 20/02 seeing a newly built bike 21/02 finishing projects 22/02 trying new foods at morning tea 23/02 beer festivals 24/02 fresh corn on the cob 25/02 moose topiaries 26/02 movement on my visa 27/02 28/02 fridays 01/03 someone cutting me off and then saying sorry 02/03 finishing a craft project 03/03 having a completely clean room  04/03 see lorna 05/03 see rox and tom 06/03 epic sight seeing 07/03 being able to get out of garages through through doors because of beingon bikes 08/03 bike pub crawls 09/03 patient people 10/03 flower shows 11/03 having a dinner party at my place 12/03 having friends do favors 13/03 random polo people 14/03 15/03 half day Friday 16/03 polo tourny 17/03 watching bike polo 18/03 verifing im sick and going home to sleep 19/03 being able to eat solid foods 20/03 cooking up a storm 21/03 sunny lunch breaks 22/03 handing in passports for residency visa 23/03 shopping 24/03 wearing new clothes 25/03 shirts that make me giggle 26/03 baking using items from my tree 27/03 getting my residency 28/03 afternoon meetings being  canceled prior to a holiday 29/03 beautiful days 30/03 finding interesting new websites 31/03 picnics w friends 01/04 many small pizzas 02/04 talking to Mikenna 03/04 having acquaintance's  04/04 surprise birthday breakfast on not my birthday 05/04 concerts 06/04 dinners and drinks 07/04 lunch and catching up 08/04 productive days 09/04 finalising plans 10/04  11/04 walking for lunch 12/04 coffee 13/04 going out for dinner 14/04 seeing kites flying 15/04 presents 16/04 17/04  18/04 confusion 19/04 drinking 20/04 rugby w the girls 21/04 having friends stop by 22/04 finishing books 23/04 friends who will listen to me bitch 24/04 remembering to breath 25/04 bird themes 26/04 feeding out 27/04 cupcakes and Champagne 28/04 birthday wishes

General Update

Realised I haven't posted for awhile.  Partly because I am no longer travelling I feel like people will not be that interested but will give an update anyway.

Still living in Christchurch where I am slowly getting my feet under me.  I forgot how much effort it takes to when you move to a new place to get involved.  Luckily I have some good friends who are keen for new experiences and bring me along for the fun.  This month has been quite busy starting a pilates class, sewing class and finding out about the local Rotary Club to see if I want to be a member of that.  Work people also have organised a weekly climbing night so have something on most nights.

Also, looking at welding courses so I can start making custom bike frames.  Darryl is starting to make one soon for one of the polo guys and I know as soon as he starts I'm going to be super jealous and want to make one as well.  But the course will have to wait until I'm back from the USA as pretty busy prior to that.

I also am helping to organise a bike polo tournament.  This is quite a lot of effort along with the other items and planning my trip home in July.  Though I like being busy and it reminds me of how I used to be.

We've been really lucky and had some great people come and stay with us over the past months.  This is always nice as it's good to share our home and the guest have been a range of new to old friends.  The most recent visitors have been travelling for 6 months so they were quite happy to be able to bake and  have a kitchen which we got all the benefit from (yummy yummy food).  Excited to have 3 more coming over the weekend.

Still enjoying having a home and one place to stay.  Though I'm looking forward to to going home and getting some travelling in when I'm back.   

Fear lives in it's parents basement

Do you ever wonder why instead of doing things you just sit and look out at things?  Normally it's fear.  Fear tells you that you shouldn't do something...that you'll make a fool of yourself, hurt yourself, lose money, etc.  But fear is lame.  Fear has lived in it's parent's basement for the last 2 million years.  Fear has no friends and is never invited to parties.  So let fear sit alone...you don't want to keep it company.

Just jump.

Insight

I had a very interesting first job experience in New Zealand.  I went against my instincts and took employment with a company that sounded like it had a great cultural environment.  Even though  I had that little feeling that said things were amiss I accepted the role.  I took the amiss feeling to be because people were under time constraints.

Only later would I see the mistake.  By that time it was too late.  I was entrenched in an psychologically abusive relationship....but it was not in a personal relationship.  It was at work.  I just managed to disentangle myself from the situation and I am grateful.

This experience has taught me many, many things.  The first being a deep sorrow for people in abusive relationships, especially if they are emotional/verbal.  As in this type of relationship you feel like you are making a big deal out of nothing and start to question your sanity and self worth without the evidence of bruises. I literally felt some days that I must be in an experiment because there was no way that these things could happen in real life.

My boss would chip away at people everyday.  Using different methods of control.  The interesting thing was that he was causing us not to be productive at work but didn't have the confidence to let us work on our own.  He used techniques of intimidation, manipulation, degradation, isolation, humiliation and others to keep us under his control.

I was lucky that I am single with a knack for saving which would have allowed me to quit when I wanted  except that I didn't have any contacts and would have been slandered if I would have left prior to finding a new job.

I know some of you may say "All bosses are bad"  but the following quote was something he said to the office one morning "Last night I had a dream that I was stabbing someone......and I REALLY liked it".  Intimidated anyone?  NUTTER!

On top of items such as the above statement, there were thousands of little things he did which were meant to slowly break a person.  From attacking the things people loved, to dismissing ideas without reason, to creating conflicts, to degrading people in front of others, to only asking for feedback in open forums so he never received negative feedback....and the list goes on.  These are not acceptable behaviors.

I hope that none of you find yourself in a situation like this but if you do, have strength!  It is difficult but you can do it...you can get away and be happy again.  IT IS POSSIBLE!

I've shared this because after living through it I believe there are a lot of people out there that are stuck in a situation and can not free themselves...or worse do not see that it is not them, but the other person who is wrong.   

Things to think about

I've been trying to find how I became this person.  This person who travels around the world (dare say in a recession).  And I think I've finally started to put my finger on it.

It begins with me being a negative Nancy.  Yes, I had a good job, great friends, and later an awesome boyfriend but the problem was I was no longer being true to myself.  I was comfortable but not content.  One of my life goals is to be happy....and while I enjoyed my life I  had lost something.  I no longer was striving for some unknown.  The world started to become too small.  I know that when I am comfortable I will stay in that place for a looonnnggg time, maybe forever if something or someone does not push me.  Unknowningly I was begining to be complacent.  I was happy with my life just the way it was...which would be fine other than the fact that I started to feel old.

For someone that was just past their mid 20's I should not feel old.  I should not look at my life as though it was predestined.  Now I'm not sure when  I made a decision to do what I always had wanted to do but hadn't done but it happened.  I wanted to live abroad for one year.  Since I happened to have a good job I also wanted to spend that one year not working.  This was crazy...living abroad and not working?  Who was this person who had kidnapped the practical, responsible Carissa and what were her motives?!

The answer was easy...I was doing the things I had always been too scared to do.  I saw all of these things as items I would do once I had been a productive adult and retired.  Life showed me that I might not have the opportunity to retire.  That maybe tomorrow would be my last day.  Now I wouldn't be ashamed of my life but could I honestly say that I had lived life to the fullest?  Could I say that I hadn't let fear stop me from doing what I loved?  No, I wouldn't have been able to honestly say yes to those questions.  So planning began and as planning began a little spark ignited.  This spark said that because of the amount of money I could save I wouldn't be able to go without working.  Solution?  Cycle tour?!  Yes, this was my process.  I  knew sometime in the future I would like to try cycle touring so why not make it a year long beginner tour?

And that is how I took that step from committed cyclist to crazy cycle tourist.  Budget.  I'm so glad that I was silly enough to decide that it would be a great thing to go cycle around a country on my own.  Even with my accidents (or maybe because of them) I feel truly lucky that I have been able to accomplish some of my life goals.  I would have never believed that I would have done the things I've done just 3 years ago.  These goals were not even on my radar of options.  Which reminded me that you are the only thing that limits what you can accomplish.  I'm not saying things won't be difficult, frustrating, stressful, or scary but that they can be done.

I wish a younger version of me would have realized the things that I could complete.  I've met some amazing people who are blessed to have realized this incredibly early in their lives and it makes me so happy to see. Also, incredibly jealous.

So think about that one thing you've always wanted to do.  Be it reading 5000 books or swimming in the Artic and start the path towards it.  Maybe it's making the list of books, or buying pictures of polar bears.  Do that tiny first step in the right direction because you're not going to regret it.