Fear lives in it's parents basement

Do you ever wonder why instead of doing things you just sit and look out at things?  Normally it's fear.  Fear tells you that you shouldn't do something...that you'll make a fool of yourself, hurt yourself, lose money, etc.  But fear is lame.  Fear has lived in it's parent's basement for the last 2 million years.  Fear has no friends and is never invited to parties.  So let fear sit alone...you don't want to keep it company.

Just jump.

Insight

I had a very interesting first job experience in New Zealand.  I went against my instincts and took employment with a company that sounded like it had a great cultural environment.  Even though  I had that little feeling that said things were amiss I accepted the role.  I took the amiss feeling to be because people were under time constraints.

Only later would I see the mistake.  By that time it was too late.  I was entrenched in an psychologically abusive relationship....but it was not in a personal relationship.  It was at work.  I just managed to disentangle myself from the situation and I am grateful.

This experience has taught me many, many things.  The first being a deep sorrow for people in abusive relationships, especially if they are emotional/verbal.  As in this type of relationship you feel like you are making a big deal out of nothing and start to question your sanity and self worth without the evidence of bruises. I literally felt some days that I must be in an experiment because there was no way that these things could happen in real life.

My boss would chip away at people everyday.  Using different methods of control.  The interesting thing was that he was causing us not to be productive at work but didn't have the confidence to let us work on our own.  He used techniques of intimidation, manipulation, degradation, isolation, humiliation and others to keep us under his control.

I was lucky that I am single with a knack for saving which would have allowed me to quit when I wanted  except that I didn't have any contacts and would have been slandered if I would have left prior to finding a new job.

I know some of you may say "All bosses are bad"  but the following quote was something he said to the office one morning "Last night I had a dream that I was stabbing someone......and I REALLY liked it".  Intimidated anyone?  NUTTER!

On top of items such as the above statement, there were thousands of little things he did which were meant to slowly break a person.  From attacking the things people loved, to dismissing ideas without reason, to creating conflicts, to degrading people in front of others, to only asking for feedback in open forums so he never received negative feedback....and the list goes on.  These are not acceptable behaviors.

I hope that none of you find yourself in a situation like this but if you do, have strength!  It is difficult but you can do it...you can get away and be happy again.  IT IS POSSIBLE!

I've shared this because after living through it I believe there are a lot of people out there that are stuck in a situation and can not free themselves...or worse do not see that it is not them, but the other person who is wrong.   

Things to think about

I've been trying to find how I became this person.  This person who travels around the world (dare say in a recession).  And I think I've finally started to put my finger on it.

It begins with me being a negative Nancy.  Yes, I had a good job, great friends, and later an awesome boyfriend but the problem was I was no longer being true to myself.  I was comfortable but not content.  One of my life goals is to be happy....and while I enjoyed my life I  had lost something.  I no longer was striving for some unknown.  The world started to become too small.  I know that when I am comfortable I will stay in that place for a looonnnggg time, maybe forever if something or someone does not push me.  Unknowningly I was begining to be complacent.  I was happy with my life just the way it was...which would be fine other than the fact that I started to feel old.

For someone that was just past their mid 20's I should not feel old.  I should not look at my life as though it was predestined.  Now I'm not sure when  I made a decision to do what I always had wanted to do but hadn't done but it happened.  I wanted to live abroad for one year.  Since I happened to have a good job I also wanted to spend that one year not working.  This was crazy...living abroad and not working?  Who was this person who had kidnapped the practical, responsible Carissa and what were her motives?!

The answer was easy...I was doing the things I had always been too scared to do.  I saw all of these things as items I would do once I had been a productive adult and retired.  Life showed me that I might not have the opportunity to retire.  That maybe tomorrow would be my last day.  Now I wouldn't be ashamed of my life but could I honestly say that I had lived life to the fullest?  Could I say that I hadn't let fear stop me from doing what I loved?  No, I wouldn't have been able to honestly say yes to those questions.  So planning began and as planning began a little spark ignited.  This spark said that because of the amount of money I could save I wouldn't be able to go without working.  Solution?  Cycle tour?!  Yes, this was my process.  I  knew sometime in the future I would like to try cycle touring so why not make it a year long beginner tour?

And that is how I took that step from committed cyclist to crazy cycle tourist.  Budget.  I'm so glad that I was silly enough to decide that it would be a great thing to go cycle around a country on my own.  Even with my accidents (or maybe because of them) I feel truly lucky that I have been able to accomplish some of my life goals.  I would have never believed that I would have done the things I've done just 3 years ago.  These goals were not even on my radar of options.  Which reminded me that you are the only thing that limits what you can accomplish.  I'm not saying things won't be difficult, frustrating, stressful, or scary but that they can be done.

I wish a younger version of me would have realized the things that I could complete.  I've met some amazing people who are blessed to have realized this incredibly early in their lives and it makes me so happy to see. Also, incredibly jealous.

So think about that one thing you've always wanted to do.  Be it reading 5000 books or swimming in the Artic and start the path towards it.  Maybe it's making the list of books, or buying pictures of polar bears.  Do that tiny first step in the right direction because you're not going to regret it.

Nehalem Bay to Seattle

June 7th, 2011 - Nehalem Bay to Ilwaco - 45 miles

Today started out from Nehalem bay into 20 miles of 4 hill climbs. The first bit was pretty but then the frustration of hills started to set in. Luckily the next 20 miles were quite flat. As I went through Warrenington and headed to the first long bridge of the day I caught a glimpse of the behemoth that I would be needing to go over. I started to laugh a nervous giggle as I had a good 2 miles or staring at this giant beast!

The Astoria bridge is a much talked about item on the Pacific Coast Highway tour among tourist. It is a four mile long bridge with no shoulder. There is extra fun for southbound riders as they stare at the steep incline at the end of the bridge for the whole ride. For northbound riders we begin with a steep incline. Since the last bridge was no fun and was less then half the length I decided to stop and have a coffee prior to proceeding. As I was looking for a coffee shop I made a last hail mary and stopped at the visitor center. It turned out there was a bus that would take me over the bridge and a couple of miles from my campsite for the night! Of course I had just missed the next bus by ten minutes so I had a couple of hours to wait for the next. I figured the $0.50 was worth the wait.

On entering the bus I was greeted by what obviously was the regular crowd of 10 or so people who all soon knew my story and did not hesitate to give advice. It is amazing how many people will offer advice to help ensure that I took the safest route and knew of hard places on the journey. This fact always delights me.

As it started to rain while setting up camp a lady running past by and stopped to chat. It turns out that she had cycle toured and offered me a place to stay for the night.

She had to go to work at 4:30 am as she worked as a fishery agent and had to inspect the offloading of the fishing boat.  As it was I forgot my tent in her car and had to wait for her to return prior to heading off for the night.  While we waited her boyfriend and I were chatting and I found out that they were driving through Seattle later in the day.  Well I wasn't excited about the three days of raining that was expected so I asked if I could catch a ride.

We made it to Seattle where I was dropped off with Nate who had pizza and beer waiting.  We spent most of the night catching up.  It was great to be with family again.

Running? RUNNING???

30 x 30 update - 5 km continuous running

Why would I ever think adding running to my 30 x 30 would be a good idea?  I know in theory it's because I want to be able to complete a duathlon or adventure race but putting this into reality reminds me of many things.  One of these being how much I hate running!!

I have completed two runs now (in two days) and am having a fun time trying to walk around.  In cycling you should stretch but if you don't there are limited consequences.  I forgot that when you don't stretch before running all of a sudden all of your muscles refuse to do any of the basic things you take for granted, such as walking.  I did stretch before my runs but I forgot about a lot of the stretches I used to do prior to running, hence the muscles that now refuse to work.

There are many reasons I hate running.  With the main one being the reason I stopped in the first place, feeling like I was about to vomit.  (I used to run the mile in middle school for our track team.)  I know that this sick feeling is because I'm pushing myself too far to fast but I just can't seem to help it.  When I start running it feels good so I go fast, which means I can only run for about 200 meters at a time before I'm completely out of breath and want to puke.  Which leaves me not feeling good.  Viscous cycle.

I know it would help if I actually went to the trails, instead of running along the road, like I was planning.  At least that way when I started walking I'd have a view.  It just doesn't seem worth it right now as I can only run less than 0.75 miles at a time (walking and running).  I don't want to take the time to head over to the trails just to have to ride back home after 15 minutes.  I'm also scared to push myself too hard too soon especially after feeling the pain my calves are in today.

So I suppose I'll just have to grin and bare it till I get into a routine where hopefully the hate smolders into something less.  Until then I will continue to swear at myself for putting such a stupid thing on my list.

Winter Whack III

1 & 2 June 2012

So I've been pretty low key for the last 6+ weeks as my arm was healing in cast.  I really forget how mellow and down I get when I have an injury that results in me being off the bike.

But that has all changed now!  I am back to being Carissa and a big help in that was Winter Whack III, a bike polo tournament.  It happened that I got my cast off the day prior to the start of the festivities so I was pretty pumped.  Not that I could play but that I could do little things and not have that annoying thing on.

Went out on Friday to watch the knife fights which Andy ended up winning with a great shot through both bottom brackets.

Had a few hours sleep prior to heading back to the courts to listen to the pre-event briefing, that even had a perfectly timed earthquake to coincide with the safety portion.  I'd volunteered to help with the event as I couldn't play...as one of the players said I was "camp mom".  Not sure that camp mom's are suppose to drink beer (had a keg of Three Boys and Andy's home brew on the sidelines) though.

Then the day of polo started.  It was great to be around like minded bike people.  Made some new friends and got to know others a bit better.  Really was a great day and we lucked out with the weather being really nice.

Lopo Libre

Rob from Samurai Polo Cats

The view from the courts at dusk

Two days after this event Christchurch got a nice dumping of snow.  I'm glad I wasn't on the sidelines in a half foot of snow!  Much more pleasant to be warm.

30 by 30

Pretty self explanatory.  Need to cross everything off by my birthday next year.  Wish me luck.

Here is the final list.  Half way through the year I changed my view on what was important and as such didn't make it through my list.  On the other hand I did a few things not on the list that I think are more important.  Also, I originally dismissed how difficult the transition to making a home in a new country is (versus visiting/travelling).

1. Get an engineering job in NZ Okay it's not technically engineering but in a related field
2. Take a dance class - Update: Took a Ceroc course, need to do another
3. Run at least 5 km at one time
4. Enter a duathlon or long distance event Totally cheated here...entered the event but didn't go
5. Go to a rugby game Completed 19/5
6. Have a century day (100 mile bike ride)
7. Learn to drive a manual car ( I drove Darryl's type 3 VW car 10 km...calling that a win)
8. Write down one thing I'm grateful for a day
9. Floss weekly - was really good for 4 months then not so good
10. Make a home brew
11. Learn how to make a good latte Still working on this, but it's drinkable
12. Learn basics in spanish -nope try again later
13. Make a dress - Update: 2013 finished one dress and 90% down with two additional ones
14. Complete a knitting project other than a scarf (or other rectangle or square) - made some mustache things
15. Build a bike up from a frame - mabel is at the painters...this will happen shortly
16. Try sailing - not gonna make it....will keep it on to do list
17. Try rock climbing outside - (Update:  I did do this in 2013!!)
18. Make 3 different types of cheese - (Update: 2013 Made mozzarella, ricotta, and creme fraiche)
19. Start pilates - (Update: 2013 completed. Need to sign up for more!)
20. Write a short story
21. Volunteer at least 12 hr for a good cause
22. Learn to cook one new thing a month
23. Collect some sort of shellfish direct from the ocean
24. Write and SEND one card/letter a month
25. Read 12 nonfiction book including recipe, crafting, design, architecture, selfhelp, biographies
26. Walk/run the Tongario crossing (giving myself a by as part of the crossing is closed due to volcanic eruption, yes an excuse but valid I think)
27. Attend a art/music class - calling sewing art UPDATE: took a singing course
28. Milk a cow
29. Abstain from alcohol for 30 days - My alcohol intake is about 2 drinks a week which I figured was close enough that I didn't bother
30. Learn to surf -This one is the only one I'm quite annoyed at myself for not completing
    
    Other random goals/accomplishments I didn't have on my list but completed:
    
    1a) Left a horrible job before it left me jaded
    2a) Did 800 km detour on a roadtrip that resulted in an unforgettable weekend
    3a) Set up a home in a new country
    4a) Acknowledge I have feelings and trying to use them productively
    5a) Received residency in a new country
    6a) started playing bike polo
    7a) Walked through a stream that was also a cave
    8a) cycled the otago rail trail
    9a) survived a second broken arm