Rough year

This year was a rough year...yes I know I was on an extended vacation for half the year but that time goes by so fast and you can't run from the things that happened prior.

Sometimes I need to make things real, make things appear in black and white and not blur them into gray...not make them fade into the sunset. I want them to be bold to stand out and grab hold of me and shake, shake violently and forcefully. To have it scream at the top of it's lungs....YOU CAN NOT IGNORE ME....I want to ignore it...but it will remain until I look it in the eyes.

My cousin was sick...had been sick. When I was informed of this "cancer" I soon found myself purchasing a ticket to Spain to visit a friend. It was 2005 I was just out of college in a new job and I was taking 2 weeks off to galavant with a friend because you never know what life will bring.

Up until this point I had a plan, a very strict plan that I was to follow. Two years in Minnesota, move to the west coast, get PE, get MBA, buy house, work, work, work, retire, have fun. It's silly looking back at it. But then there was CANCER...this evil word this thing that came out of nowhere that took the joy of my cousins first born and mingled it with fear.

My cousin is one year younger than me, and we are very much the same. Stubborn, Coarse, Loving (though most never see this), and more Stubborn. We fought like cats and dogs growing up, fiercely. We didn't know how to deal with someone else who wouldn't back down...neither of us would back down...hair pulled out, teeth marks, nail marks, name calling....girls fight dirty and we did.

Looking at her daughter I see a little Sam, a little girl who will hold her ground who infuriatingly will not change her mind once she has made it up. I laugh, I laugh to think about how my aunt and mom dealt with the two of us...how much of a pain we had to be...as proven by Haylee....but how fun it is to be kept on your toes by someone this little. How you want to show her how to loosen up...to not take everything so seriously...even the hard things in life are worth living...it just takes longer to see why.

Going out and taking care of Sam and the kids when she was going through chemo she told me "I just want to be average. I'm sick of being unique. " Some people aren't meant to be average. It would ruin who they were to only be average, no matter how much we want it to be so.

I had planned my trip to New Zealand for a long time but the whole reason I started to travel was because of Sam. I looked at how easy it was to not have your health and I wanted to do these things while I could. I wanted to not have any regrets. If I was meant to die I'd do it while doing something I love.

She died. Ringing phone....knowing I don't want to answer....answer...crying. Sending Mom to the funeral as the delegate...as Nate, Dad and I ignore...try to enjoy each others company...glad for each others presence....not ready...not ready at all...still not ready

I do not pity Sam for being sick and dieing young. She had a good life that she chose. She would have chosen to live longer but some choses aren't yours to make. I know if I pitied her it would irritate the crap out of her. I miss you Sam.